Discouragement

It has taken me almost a week to process the events of the mission trip. I was going to sum up my final thoughts in one post, but it has turned into two. I will start with this one explaining my discouragement before I got a glimpse of hope again at the end. 

I started the week with some anxiety, but with hope that I would be encouraged by what God is doing in the service projects through Youth Works. 

If God wouldn't move there--in the lives of people seeking Him, as they serve the needy--would He ever move?  Is He even there?

I enjoyed my time the first few days as I realized I could deal with the difficulties and discomfort that comes with living and serving with people I barely knew. The space where we slept was cramped, the schedule was packed and the uncertainty of many activities was well beyond my comfort. 

I was stretched, but it was refreshing to know I was there because of my faith. Nothing else would get me through it. I could have skipped the whole thing and had a good week of vacation at home, but I believed God wanted me there. 

But as I have already mentioned elsewhere, by Wednesday I was very discouraged. I woke that morning with high expectations of doing important things with the boys and girls at the Salvation Army Church.  We arrived to find a flooded basement and no kids. 

It felt like a wasted day and memories of other such disappointments in the past, some were over 20 years ago, washed over me.  I tuned out most of the day, lost in questions and frustration.

That night we were supposed to go to a lively worship service with a mostly black congregation, so I hoped that would recharge me. I had been listening to a lot more black gospel music lately, drawn to the passion. I expected that would revive my hopes. 

But when we returned to the Youth Works site I was informed the trip to that church was canceled and we were going to see fireworks instead. 

At that point I was done. I decided I was done trying to make church work back home. I don't remember thinking much about my faith in general or if how I was viewing God at the moment.  I only knew I had reached my limit when it came to any hope, interest or confidence in the worldview everyone else around me was clinging to. 

I decided I would be done with church at least for the summer. Sometimes it looks like people in the church keep hanging on to their faith simply because they can't let it go.  I concluded that if God was behind any of this, He was pointing out that I needed to let go of my former understanding of what it's all about.