Ruthless Trust - Summer reading

I finished Ruthless Trust again today. I used to read it every summer for a few years, then I loaned the copy out. I finally got it back. 

Every time I read it something new speaks to me and it fills in the gaps in the lesson I need at the moment.

Brennan Manning speaks from his brokenness with brutal honesty.  In the suffering of this world, he offers no trite tips for success.  Instead, from his experience and many insights from saints and Scripture he simply reminds us the lesson, moment by moment, is to learn to trust the God beyond our understanding. 

Resting in the God who is there

I'm not much of a singer, but I often have a song I feel I have to sing and share with anyone who will listen. 

This is a song I finished recently after trying to dig some meaning and a conclusion from a period of depression that I experienced. What I learned in that time was that I needed to rest in God. This was not God as I always thought of Him, but God the creator, the God who is there, the Source of every good thing.

Take-Aways from the Mission Trip

The last full day of our mission trip ended in a fairly dramatic climactic scene.  I’m using that as a technical term taken from Donald Miller’s book, Storyline.  It’s that moment when we overcome conflict and get what we want.  Like in any good story, it has to happen in a memorable way, like a mile marker on the road to our ultimate destination.

I say it was only fairly dramatic because I was just distracted enough at the moment to be unsure of what I was learning--or unsure that what I found was what I was looking for on the trip.  I probably wanted too much, any variety of things really, so all I knew then was it was very significant.  It helped me end the trip on a high note rather than the discouragement of the previous day that I described in another post.

Washing Feet

At some point in the week I learned that a Youth Works mission ends with a foot washing service.  This practice is based on the story in John 13 where Jesus washes His disciples’ feet after their last meal.  It’s an important story about leading by example.  Honestly, I have been very glad that my religious tradition had not considered the practice something we had to do literally.

But on the trip, the last large group meeting will involve this service where the Youth Works staff will first wash the leaders’ feet.  Then we as the leaders would wash the teens’ feet.  I wasn’t thrilled about this, but by that time in the week I had been through enough that I figured I’d just go with it.

Setting the stage

On Thursday afternoon Jonathan pulled me aside and told me more about the service.  He had been through it a few times and he informed me the staff pray for the leaders after washing their feet and we’d then pray for the teens whose feet we washed.  He asked if I was going to be OK with that.

I’m fine with prayer, but it is a stretch sometimes just to pray aloud in public.  To pray for others, in some way where it is serious and could matter to them, well, that was daunting.  I was not thrilled about the prospect, but I didn’t want to let anyone down.  I told him my prayers would probably be brief.

He said I should follow the example that the staff member would set when he prayed for me.  

I should mention that we didn’t know which staff member would pray for me, but only that it would be one of the men.  Jonathan said it’s interesting how each of the staff members would take time during the week to intentionally get to know the leaders so that they could pray specifically for them in that moment.

I didn’t recall being interrogated at any point in the week, so I wasn’t anticipating much of a prayer.  I agreed that I’d give the whole thing a try, though, and we talked about which teens each of us would serve in this way..

It made sense that I’d wash son Alex’s feet and pray for him.  He suggested that I do the same for The two teens I knew from school, since I might know them better.  It was actually intimidating for me to do that because I knew them from that setting rather than church, but I couldn’t reasonably argue with his point.  

The rest of that afternoon was spent swimming or enjoying time at a community cookout.  I found myself often thinking about the evening to come.  I’m not comfortable with ceremony and intimacy like I envisioned during such a service.  I tried to think of ways out of it, but ultimately I knew I just had to do it because it was important.

The lessons

The foot washing service was a powerful experience.  I expected to be stretched.  I expected I’d have to get to know the teens better.  It went exactly as Jonathan said it would and the teens were very open to it, even though none of them knew it was coming.

Still, when it was over I found myself surprised by how positively the event turned out for me.  I can only say I felt very good about it.  Washing feet doesn’t mean nearly what it meant back in the New Testament times, when feet were filthy and only servants did the washing.  Still, the humility required was refreshing.  

It took me all week to get any of this in words and I won’t be surprised if I keep editing it.  For now, here are my three big take-aways.

1)  The example of leadership is vital. 

Why was I willing to go through this uncomfortable experience?  Because I trusted the leadership at Youth Works.  I saw them serve throughout the week and I saw their sincerity.  They were there because of their faith.  I found this encouraging and instead of shrugging the ideas of leadership off (as I often do back home) I submitted.  I followed their example and considered the needs of others more important than my comfort.

2)  Growth is uncomfortable, but to avoid it is to miss out on life.

Of course, all through that week I was reminded of this.  It was uncomfortable, but I did feel I was finding something more meaningful than comfort.  

A fuller life exists one step beyond our comfort zone.  The freedom I found throughout the week as I let God redefine me was worth the many awkward, difficult moments.

3)  Let love do its work.

Most importantly, I was amazed at how much the prayer offered for me meant.  James was one of the staff members.  I didn’t talk to him much, but we did exchange a few words about music.  He does some Christian rap and sings, so I went out of my way to talk to him.  At first he seemed distant and I had told Kendra that.  Later on he was more friendly, but I didn’t expect he’d be the one to wash my feet and pray for me.

When the time came, though, he did just that.  He put his arm around me and he prayed sincerely for me, for my wife and us as a couple.  He prayed specifically that God would use my creativity and the work I do with computers and music.  I can’t do this justice with my words, but the prayer meant a lot to me.  He knew what I valued and, with his heart behind it, he asked God to bless those things.

Maybe it is easier in a way to pray like that for people we barely know. All I can say is it helped me. 

That was my crash course in heartfelt prayer for someone.  I did the same for My two students.  It was a stretch and I was less than eloquent, but I meant what I prayed for.  I let them know I saw their strengths and I prayed God would use them.

And I prayed for Alex.  I felt the weight of my inadequacy as a parent.  All the doubt I have felt for years on how to get life right, it was all still there.  I had no more certain answers then than the hundreds of times I had been crushed to inaction back at home.  I knew Kendra was listening.  I had to stop once because I almost choked up.  

I meant it when I thanked God for giving me a good son.  Even at his worst, he’s not too tough to deal with.  And I prayed he’d know what God wants him to do.  I sure hope he can figure that out and rest in it better than I have for myself!  

Finally, I prayed he’d follow Kendra’s example.  When the neverending, swirling questions and pride keep me silent and ineffective, she’s good at putting her faith into action.  I always hope our two kids will do the same (as I keep trying to as well).

I prayed for one of the other teens too.  He’s a young man I didn’t know well, but in a conversation just that afternoon, I found we had a few things in common.

That’s a long winded way to say this:  I did that out of faith and love and the results surprised me.  I don’t think anything else brought me to that moment other than my concern for the teens and the fact that I believed God wanted me to.  Through that and the sincere concern I felt from James, I felt love eliminate that discouragement I had felt up until that point.

The next morning when I woke up, I literally couldn’t think of some of the questions, doubt or discouraging thoughts that had plagued me previously.  I’m not talking about just during that week, but long before it.  Nothing in that prayer service spoke to those things directly, but for that time, they were gone.

I pictured a field, that for years was uncared for.  The weeds of uncertainty, nagging questions and discouragement grew up slowly as it was left largely unattended.  Just that little bit of love broke through and set it right.

Now,  it didn’t take too many days before the old mental habits crept back.  I'm still a mess sometimes and I can't say the one experience negated everything.  But that glimpse of what love, humility and service could do was encouraging.  It made the trip worthwhile.  

I've let myself hope again. 

Discouragement

It has taken me almost a week to process the events of the mission trip. I was going to sum up my final thoughts in one post, but it has turned into two. I will start with this one explaining my discouragement before I got a glimpse of hope again at the end. 

I started the week with some anxiety, but with hope that I would be encouraged by what God is doing in the service projects through Youth Works. 

If God wouldn't move there--in the lives of people seeking Him, as they serve the needy--would He ever move?  Is He even there?

I enjoyed my time the first few days as I realized I could deal with the difficulties and discomfort that comes with living and serving with people I barely knew. The space where we slept was cramped, the schedule was packed and the uncertainty of many activities was well beyond my comfort. 

I was stretched, but it was refreshing to know I was there because of my faith. Nothing else would get me through it. I could have skipped the whole thing and had a good week of vacation at home, but I believed God wanted me there. 

But as I have already mentioned elsewhere, by Wednesday I was very discouraged. I woke that morning with high expectations of doing important things with the boys and girls at the Salvation Army Church.  We arrived to find a flooded basement and no kids. 

It felt like a wasted day and memories of other such disappointments in the past, some were over 20 years ago, washed over me.  I tuned out most of the day, lost in questions and frustration.

That night we were supposed to go to a lively worship service with a mostly black congregation, so I hoped that would recharge me. I had been listening to a lot more black gospel music lately, drawn to the passion. I expected that would revive my hopes. 

But when we returned to the Youth Works site I was informed the trip to that church was canceled and we were going to see fireworks instead. 

At that point I was done. I decided I was done trying to make church work back home. I don't remember thinking much about my faith in general or if how I was viewing God at the moment.  I only knew I had reached my limit when it came to any hope, interest or confidence in the worldview everyone else around me was clinging to. 

I decided I would be done with church at least for the summer. Sometimes it looks like people in the church keep hanging on to their faith simply because they can't let it go.  I concluded that if God was behind any of this, He was pointing out that I needed to let go of my former understanding of what it's all about. 

Personal Growth - How to get excited about stuff everyone else already knows

There are things you know, general facts about life that if asked about on a quiz you'd probably get right. Things like

• It’s important to tell the truth. 
• We should help people who are in need. 
• God loves us. 

But then there are moments when you experience those truths personally and what you discover feels like you found a treasure meant only for you. Without carefully wording it, to tell others would sound like you’re just stating the obvious.

I have sometimes found it disappointing to share my personal growth with others, because after sharing what feels like a very important insight, they act like they have always known it.

It’s like I found a hundred dollar bill under my deck and showed my neighbor. I’m excited, but he looks at the bill and says, “Yes, that’s a hundred dollar bill.” It shouldn’t be about recognizing the thing we found, but what that thing and the discovery will mean to the one who found it.

Maybe the truth behind our personal discovery is obvious to everyone. But what is important is that each of us finds those truths ourselves. The ways we come to them are important. Where we came from and how it affects us are vital too.

Those things, the truth plus what we are and what we will be, are unique. Those are the treasures.

When we find them, we need to share those treasures with this in mind.

And when someone tells us about their discoveries we should listen in a way that shows we value what they found on their journey.

What is God doing?

What is God doing?  I've been asking that a lot lately.  

My wife works in a para-church organization in our small town and I know a lot of what goes on in the churches.  I know a lot about what is attempted and the quality of fruit or extent of the frustration that comes of it. 

I am very aware of the ups and downs of the ministry of a local church.  The people, stories and opportunities to serve that offer hope now often reveal themselves in months as just more of what we had.

We go on by clinging to the potential of the next thing to come along.

But that's really just the way of the world.  Week by week we occupy our time with each new thing.  As we tire of it, we turn to another.

I'd like to think in the church it would be different.  When a life of faith looks a lot like doing anything else, it doesn't seem worth all the work and frustration of the faith.  My hope is that God is up to something different in the world.

So I ask, what is God doing?

I went on the mission trip last week partly to find an answer to that question.

If you're reading to find a dramatic answer, I'll say right now I didn't find one.  I can't say I saw the sick healed or even that someone was saved.  I found a little encouragement though.

But first, I found this interesting.  We stayed at a college campus on the last night of our trip and I found this bulletin board in the hallway.  

It's hard to read everything on it, but here's what I can read:

• Constantly loving me
• Amplifying love
• Saving lives
• Healing broken hearts
• Being caring
• Being an example
• Forgiving (x2)
• Helping me through stuff
• Winning
• Helping me through friends
• Showing me how to get through hardship
• Saving
• Making me strong
• Being fantastic
• Being awesome
• Being there for me
• Making me new
• Everything
• Loving me unconditionally
• Being a boss

When I first read over that list the day I discovered it, I was less than impressed.  General statements in vague words serve to convince only those who are more or less convinced already.  Was this the best the future leaders of the church could muster?

When Jesus was asked if He was the Messiah, He gave a powerful list--the blind received sight, those who couldn't walk started walking and the dead came to life.  If God is still God, we at least have to admit He's running the show differently now.

So what is He doing?  

Looking over that list again, I don't want to completely discredit answers such as "making me new" or "healing broken hearts".  While they could be trite and overly simplistic, there also might be some significant stories behind them that don't work well with chalk on a bulletin board.

I know from my own experience on the mission trip that I felt I was being made new, at least a little.  I found freedom in growing beyond the self-image that 40+ years of existence had handed me.  That story is still forthcoming.

Something was stretching me and even though the growth was hard, it felt like it was for something better.  And it wouldn't have happened had it not been for my faith.

Even when I'm depressed and discouraged (which happened before I even returned from the trip) I always eventually find in myself a sense of gratitude for simple gifts in life.  I must thank the One who gives them.  Beauty and peace, even the hints of them, call up gratitude.  The chance to express it through songs privately or in a worship service is itself one of the most amazing gifts.

To the unbelieving, I'm sure all of that seems very insignificant, but I am not ready to ignore it.  The world has promised me nothing better.

So for now, the answer to the question in general is that God is speaking life softly to those who will listen.  It's like when Elijah stood on the mountain and couldn't hear God in the fire, wind or earthquake, but instead He spoke in a gentle whisper.

If I were making the action plan, I'd suggest a more impressive display of divine power.  But I'm calling it like I see it.  There's a quiet whisper of life and I try to listen.

As I do, I'll try to plainly tell the stories (and sing the songs) as life plays out.

The work

So, what did we actually do when we were in West Virginia?

We traveled there because Jonathan, our youth minister, had been on mission work through Youth Works before.  They serve in several cities across the U.S. and their model is to support existing ministries in the area.  So the first night we were there, Jonathan met with the staff of Youth Works and decided where each of us would go and who would be on each team.

I was on a team with Jonathan and five boys.  One was my son, Alex, and two (Mack and Chad) were students I knew from the school where I teach.  We were assigned to the Boys and Girls Club at a Salvation Army Church in St. Albans.

Monday
On Monday morning we received our orientation and learned that we'd be working with about 35 children, ages about six to twelve.  The director told us it was the best group of kids she's had in twenty years of service there.  We would be helping staff as they led activities or lunch.  We'd also just play with the children.

So for Monday and Tuesday that's what we did.  It wasn't terribly spiritual, at least from anything I saw.  On Monday I showed a couple younger boys how I draw cartoon faces.  When I was in third grade, a guy came to our school and showed how he drew by lightly shaping the image with pencil, then drawing the dark lines with a pen.  I picked up on that and used the technique for years when I used to do artwork.  I was glad to have the chance to share it with the boys.

Tuesday
On Tuesday I brought my iPad and that made me very popular.  As I always do in school, I made sure the children weren't just using it for mindless entertainment.  I encouraged them to practice with the drawing apps.  If they insisted on playing a game, I chose an educational one.

Two groups of girls wanted to make a video consisting of narrated images they drew or that they posed for.  They were very excited, but free time was limited and we didn't finish either video.  I was looking forward to meeting them Wednesday to finish it, but unfortunately it didn't happen.

Wednesday
There was a storm on Tuesday night and the basement of their church flooded.  When we arrived on Wednesday, the director informed us that the students wouldn't be there that day.  We spent the morning cleaning out the basement.  We also did a few other odd jobs around the church since it was a good day to catch up on cleaning and moving.  I'm sure this helped them a lot and they were grateful we were there, but I was disappointed that we didn't have more of a chance to work with the children.

Thursday
Thursday was the Fourth of July, so the Boys and Girls Club was closed.  We were assigned to serve for about three hours in that same city at a nursing home.  I was paired up with Chad and we were told to visit the elderly residents in their rooms or in the dining area.

First we talked to some of them in their rooms.  Making conversation with strangers, especially when I was very unsure of their mental state or how willing they'd be to talk, was a stretch for me.  I was initially very objective about it since I knew I'd never see the people again.  But having Chad there made me more aware of how clumsy I was with the exchanges.

There were some awkward moments.  One woman told me Chad was much better looking than I was.  He got a kick out of that.  She shared a story about some family member, not sure which it was, who actually died right on her lap last year when they came to see her for her 95th birthday.  She was obviously still feeling the pain of that.  What do you say to that?  I don't remember what I told her, but the conversation continued for a few more minutes.  Before we left she told Chad to be good.  I could tell he was really listening to her.

We then spent most of the time in the dining room.  I talked to a guy in his early 60's named James.  He told me a lot of stories about his family and the people he went to school with.

And I met another man, probably mid-60's, who had worked as a computer programmer.  He used PASCAL, which was a language I worked with a lot about 25 years ago.  That gave me lots to talk about and by the time this guy was done listening to me I think he considered that his service project for the day.

We left about noon.  The rest of the day was dedicated to Fourth of July activities and some meetings back at the Youth Works site.

Our experience with the elderly and some children was very similar to most of the other groups.  One team, the one my wife was on, did a lot of physical labor too.  Jonathan thought they'd be at a nursing home all week, but it ended up being a ton of work.

All things considered, the work was helpful and the teens learned a lot by doing it.  It was good for all involved.  The only problem many of the leaders felt, though, was that it didn't have much spiritual impact.  No one was really preaching Jesus to anyone.

Yes, we could say we planted some seeds and the teams that visit for the remainder of the summer can build on what we've done.  Still, it was less than what I hoped to see in that regard.

As with any mission trip I've ever heard of, we all left with some spiritual lessons for ourselves.  I know I won't be the same.  I can see the changes in my own two kids.  The church group time at the end of each day was very encouraging to me as I listened to how our teens were growing as Christians.

But the real measure of the value will be how it impacts us from here out.  Some of the leaders and the teens have plans to continue the work locally.  I am looking forward to seeing what we come up with.

Gratitude

Things I have been thankful for on the trip:

My wife - As I mentioned, Monday was our anniversary. She is great for sticking with me. 

My kids - It is good to see them growing socially and spiritually.  

Worship - Worship shouldn't be defined just as the singing during the services, but those have been some of the best times for me this week.

Being stretched - I'm so grateful that I do not have to be limited to the self-image that has developed over the years. Each day is a chance to grow beyond that. 

My job - It allows me to have enough time and money to take advantage of short term mission projects. 

Friends - it has been really nice to get to know Ashley and Jonathan more. They surprised us with cupcakes Monday for our anniversary. 

Work we did this week

Our work time on Monday and Tuesday was spent with kids in grades K-6 at a Salvation Army Boys and Girls Club. It was fun getting to know them. I showed them some of my drawings and gave them tips. They also loved my iPad. As always, I told them we should use tools like that to create and not just play mindless games.

Others in our crew played basketball and Four Square with kids.

I was looking forward to seeing them today so we could finish a video we started, but their basement flooded and the club was cancelled. It ended up being a pretty light work day.

I was disappointed because I really hoped to make more of an impact.

Tomorrow we will be working at a senior center. I look forward to seeing people at the other end of the age spectrum. I plan to ask them questions about what makes a full life.

Best worship of the week so far

I've always liked this song, but when they played it for worship Tuesday night it was like a fresh breeze blew through the room.  So far it has been the only positive thing I actually felt.

Happy Anniversary?

I woke up way too early with my brain just racing. I slept so little that I am afraid to write too freely at this point!  All I can say right now is wifi is hard to come by at the church we are staying at, so we will see how the regular blogging goes this week.

I'm disappointed in myself that this trip is such a stretch for me, but it really is. I've gotten way too comfortable in life even though I don't feel like it most days.

The schedule here is very full. It's hard for me to have my full day directed by someone else, but it's just one of the things among many that I will deal with until Friday.

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary. We almost always went on a trip somewhere to celebrate. This trip doesn't at all feel like a celebration!  Kendra has been an amazing gift in life, though, and it is good that we can spend this time with our family remembering what is most important in life.